The Men of #TheBachelorette: An Honest Review

*Cue me rolling my eyes at myself*

Disclaimer: The fact that I watch The Bachelor/ette is truly something that I am not proud of. Before I go any further, I’d just like for everyone to know that I started watching this purely to make fun of it (and with Des’ season, it wasn’t too difficult; the damn woman cried every 5 minutes). Yes, I’d seen bits and pieces before Des’ season, but, that was the one that got me hooked. I endured the torture that was Juany-P’s season, and here we are, at Andi Dorfman’s bachelorette debut to the world.

Monday’s season premiere was nothing short of entertaining. I attempted to live-tweet it, but there were so many men that I really couldn’t keep up. Therefore, without further ado, here is my commentary on the men, in the order of which they presented themselves to Andi at the beginning of “their journey.” *cue 17th eyeroll*

Marcus- One of my Top 5 (yes I made a top 5- sue me), I’m truly having a hard time trying to come up with something bad about this one. Andi practically drooled at him when he stepped out of the limo, so I think he’ll be here a while.

Famer Chris from Iowa- FARMER CHRIS CAN STAY. He used nothing more than his farmer-appeal to woo Andi, and let’s just say that it definitely worked. More importantly, though- he’s into ‘farming magazines.’

JJ aka the #pantsapraneur- If you think I’m joking, his official bio on ABC’s site states that as his profession (although, nothing compares to Kelly Travisty’s profession of ‘Dog Lover’ from last season). Broski stepped out of the limo lookin’ like Bill Nye the Pants Guy, and he’s got the twitter bio to back his nerd-centricity (again, don’t ask why/how I find these things). The pants man will make it far, mark my words.

Marquel the cookie monster- Homeboy straight up told Andi “the love of my life is cookies” so, like, Marquel and I are one and the same. Andi oddly loved it, so he didn’t get the boot quite yet.

Tasos- Literally anything he did was irrelevant because all I can think of when I see/hear his name is tacos and now I want mexican food.

Cody- The worst human- he looks like a blonde, GTL-version of Tin-Tin, the french comic book character.

Steven- A Cali bro who was trying extremely too hard to prove that he was a Cali bro. In other unfortunate news, he was in my Top 5 and he already got the boot.

Rudie- The only thing I remember about him is him giving her a horrible craft project as soon as he stepped out of the limo and then her hugging him goodbye. #sorry

Carl- He handed her a globe as his opening line. LAME. Other than that, ZERO recollection of this man being on the show, whoops.



Nick V- He won the first impression rose from Andi because this small child is so adorably endearing that he practically couldn’t form sentences in her presence. Also, he looks like your cousin’s best friend, doesn’t he?

Dylan- Andddd we have a Gaston in the building, folks! If you don’t get the reference, Gaston refers to the ULTIMATE douchebag- you know, the one with the greased back hair, dresses well, and thinks that he could literally get any girl he wanted to at the drop of a hat, but wouldn’t be able to spell their name if he tried. See gif below for further explanation, and now look at Dylan.

Patrick- Broski wins points for making a solid dig at Juan Pablo, but I really just can’t take him seriously because of his hair. Did he place an iron on top of it? I’m confused.

Emil aka NO NO NO- “Like anal but with an m” -direct quote.

Brett the lamp man- HE BROUGHT A LAMP FROM THE HOTEL AS A GIFT. Therefore, he wins everything. The show is over. #LampMan FTW.

Craig- He reminds me of a chipmunk, I have no idea why, and I just can’t move past it. Except for this flawless move- you do you, brotha.

Ron- Again, I really just remember loving that his name was Ron and that he was all about the free drinks and that’s about it.

Bradley AN ACTUAL OPERA SINGER- Okay, ABC, I’ve really had it up to here with the opera singers. I came around with Sharleen last season (she’s still a lot for me to handle), but this man was singing ON THE FIRST NIGHT. I’VE HAD ENOUGH. GO BACK TO THE OPERA HOUSE AND STAY THERE.

Josh B- Eh, I’ve got nothin’.

Nick S- Is balding and showed up in a golf cart, because *drumroll please* he’s a pro golfer. Yawn.

Brian aka Coach Bolton- He’s a basketball coach. Need I say more? #GOWILDCATS

Andrew- A social media marketer, so I’m obviously on board (not nearly as fantastic as Kasey from last season, who spoke in hashtags on the first night and was a perfect specimen- #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin #iwantarose).

Mike- Two blonde men with long hair and middle parts? Just….no.

Eric- I was actually quite impressed with how ABC handled Eric’s death. Classy move, and so tragic.

Josh M- Immediately opens up with “I live in Atlanta, too, so we’re practically neighbors!” Get out the restraining order, Andi.

That about rounds them all out. Oh, except for the guy who is part of the #BachelorFamily (meaning he was one of the bachelors on a previous season) who apparently camped out at the Bachelor Mansion for 7 days to attempt to join the show and vie for Andi’s affection. That definitely wasn’t staged AT ALL, amirite? That definitely wasn’t promo for the next season of Bachelor Pad. Nope, not at all.

As always, I’m mainly just here for Chris Harrison. Pop the champagne, y’all- we’re in for a real doozy of a season.

[all images courtesy of ABC, except for the Arthur one, that’s obviously from PBS- DUH]


An In-Depth Analysis of the First Mix CD I ever Created

That’s right, folks. I’m about to give you an inside look at the musical mind of…you guessed it: me, circa 2004. Having recently re-acquired possession of my entire CD collection from my friend Anson (no, not this Anson), I have come across some incredible gems that for some reason or another did not make the cut onto my personal iTunes account.

If you have ever had the off-chance of speaking with me about my taste in music, you already know that it’s kind of all over the place. For example, two of my favorite artists are Josh Groban and Linkin Park.  If you are ever lucky enough to take a spin in the PDJeep (bring a gas-mask), you are sure to experience some Irish jig music followed by S Club-7 and Lupe Fiasco. To put it simply, you never know what you’re gonna get.

middle school

Unlike all of the rest of my burned CDs, in this amateur disc-making time of my life, I decided to forego labeling this one with the date of creation. I had to put on my research cap and deduce that I created this wonderful mix in the spring of 2004. There are two songs from the ‘Princess Diaries 2′ soundtrack, so my research was actually, in fact, not that difficult. So, let it be known that when I was in 7th grade at Holy Child, an all-girls Catholic school, I valued these 12 songs so much so that they could have the honor of being called “Paige’s Faves.” 7th grade was a very interesting year for me. It was during this time that I became what I feel should be called “emo” and left all signs of preppiness behind. I had fallen victim to the petty drama and bullies that are ever-present not only in middle school, but especially at an all-girls middle school. My personal favorite anecdote from this year was when one of my teachers’ asked us which song we would use to describe our grade. Having been at the peak of my emo, hating-the-world phase, I chose Linkin Park’s ‘Nobody’s Listening.’ If you’ve heard this song, you know that this was basically my way of saying a big “F*CK YOU” to my classmates. If you haven’t had the pleasure of hearing this masterpiece (which I still know every word to and belt at the top of my lungs at any opportunity I get), then please enjoy. Now that you know where I was during this phase of my life, let’s get down to the real analysis, shall we?

1. 1985- Bowling For Soup

Making it to #1 on ‘Paige’s Faves,’ this gem is a song that I am proud to admit I had completely forgotten even existed. Why did we all love this song? I was not a child of the eighties; how dare I pretend to associate with this demographic? Where did this band even come from and why did we just accept that their name was ‘Bowling For Soup?’ WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Clearly, I was a bandwagon fan with this one. I must have had some real insecurity issues if this made it onto the prestigious favorites list. Maybe I played this for my friends so that I would look cool and they would think “Oh, Paige loves a band called Bowling For Soup; she must be so rad!” Yeah, let’s just go with that.

2. The Sign- Ace of Base

To this day, if anyone speaks foul about Ace of Base, they are not prepared for the wrath that will follow. Ace of Base is the base thing to come out of the nineties, besides me, of course, and this is one of the few songs that will never, EVER, get old for me. Of course I had their first international release, ‘Happy Nation,’ on cassette and of course I listened to it nonstop. ‘All That She Wants?’- A CLASSIC. Ace of Base was absolute perfection until they screwed up and went and made another album. But let it be known, this song is most deserving of a spot on ‘Paige’s Favorites.’

3. Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson

Ahh here we have our first song from the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack! A classic K.Clarkson track, this song was every middle school girl’s anthem. “Trying to belong here but something felt so wrong here;” obviously these lyrics applied to me in my time of middle school angst. 7th grade was that special time when you realized that someday, you would eventually leave home and have to fend for yourself. So, naturally, everyone wanted to do it immediately. Rock on with your bad self, Kelly.

4. Somebody Told Me- The Killers

Don’t even try to lie, you know every single word to this song. Boy or girl, this was one of those songs we didn’t quite understand, but would nod our heads along with it and think we were the absolute coolest. I’ll just leave this here: “Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year.” Is he trying to flirt with this woman he is talking to? Regardless, this song was an instant classic solely due to the weirdness that it is.

5. I Decide- Lindsay Lohan

Guys, I wish I was kidding. But, here we have the second song from the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack. And, yes, it is by Lindsay Lohan. Do I still know every word to this gem of a song? Absolutely. I will say, though, that this song ignited my love for Lindsay’s music. #TeamNoShame. Do I own both of her albums? Of course. This song could have been every mid-high school girl’s anthem, but, apparently, it was only mine. I decide who I love, MOM!

6. Headsprung- LL Cool J

Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. I am legitimately giggling to myself as I write this because WHO DID I THINK I WAS?! I am not an LL fan, I literally don’t know if he has any other songs, but for some reason, I straight JAMMED to this song back in the day. Apparently, this was before LL stuck to wearing golf caps at awards shows, I don’t know? Also, if you were wondering, yes- I can rap this entire song.

7. Baby It’s You- JoJo

I’m really not even sure I need an explanation for this. This song is EVERYTHING. My previous roommate, Lauren, and I would frequently dance like freaks to this in public at any given opportunity up until three months ago. JoJo was the cool girl that we all wished we could be. She had the style and the attitude of a street thug, and it was so admirable. Girl could strut, and listening to this song made you think that you could, too. Not included: the Bow Wow version. It’s equally as good.

8. Fly- Hilary Duff

As a huge HilDuff fan growing up, this song is so deserving of being on the list of ‘Paige’s Faves’ that it is not even funny. In addition to being on her self-titled album, this song was featured on the soundtrack for one of her more phenomenal roles, ‘Raise Your Voice’- you know, that movie where she was a lost girl trying to find her voice in a music academy? Again, don’t try to pretend that you didn’t love this movie. Similarly to my situation with Lindsay Lohan, this song was pretty much the fuel to my fire that was a long relationship with HilDuff music. I owned all of her albums, including the greatest hits, and, again, I have no shame. ‘Dignity’ was and still is an incredible piece of work. There, I said it. #TeamNoShame.

9. Cameltoe- Fannypack

I’m just going to leave this here. I have no words that would justify this.

10. Accidentally in Love- Counting Crows

Besides the weirdness that is this music video, this song was a great one. Still played on radio stations to this day, you can’t help but sing along to this classic. Personally, I am going to have to disagree with 2004 Paige and say that this did not deserve to be on this CD. Great song- nothing special.

11. Basketcase- Green Day

I’m going to be honest- I wish I was cool enough to say that this was one of my favorite songs. Nope- this is all my brother, Peter. I have him to thank for getting me into Green Day, Hoobastank (of course), and some other great old school teen angst bands. Not Linkin Park- I did that all on my own, thank you very much. Still, though, I can say that I know all the words to this song and I probably wouldn’t change to the next station if this came on the radio today. Solid choice, Paige  Peter.

12. On the Way Down- Ryan Cabrera

This song is still amazing. I still remember bonding over this song with one of my best friends in middle school. We became friends because we had both been ‘victimized’ by middle school mean girls, and this song spoke volumes to us. “LOL, get it, on the way down, we both save each other! OMG it’s our song!” No, but actually. Every time I hear this song, I immediately go back to the basement of my middle school, sitting next to the lockers, and listening to this with one earbud and her listening with the other. #Memories. And don’t lie- you had a huge crush on Ryan Cabrera in middle school. This is what he looks like now. Sorry :/

Well, that’s a wrap folks. I hope you’ve enjoyed reminiscing on 2004 through my incredibly eye-opening musical tastes. Hopefully this brought some of you back to your time in middle school, full of regret and really, really weird choices. What embarrassing music did you listen to in middle school? Anything that beats mine? Holla atcha gurl.