The Men of #TheBachelorette: An Honest Review

*Cue me rolling my eyes at myself*

Disclaimer: The fact that I watch The Bachelor/ette is truly something that I am not proud of. Before I go any further, I’d just like for everyone to know that I started watching this purely to make fun of it (and with Des’ season, it wasn’t too difficult; the damn woman cried every 5 minutes). Yes, I’d seen bits and pieces before Des’ season, but, that was the one that got me hooked. I endured the torture that was Juany-P’s season, and here we are, at Andi Dorfman’s bachelorette debut to the world.

Monday’s season premiere was nothing short of entertaining. I attempted to live-tweet it, but there were so many men that I really couldn’t keep up. Therefore, without further ado, here is my commentary on the men, in the order of which they presented themselves to Andi at the beginning of “their journey.” *cue 17th eyeroll*

Marcus- One of my Top 5 (yes I made a top 5- sue me), I’m truly having a hard time trying to come up with something bad about this one. Andi practically drooled at him when he stepped out of the limo, so I think he’ll be here a while.

Famer Chris from Iowa- FARMER CHRIS CAN STAY. He used nothing more than his farmer-appeal to woo Andi, and let’s just say that it definitely worked. More importantly, though- he’s into ‘farming magazines.’

JJ aka the #pantsapraneur- If you think I’m joking, his official bio on ABC’s site states that as his profession (although, nothing compares to Kelly Travisty’s profession of ‘Dog Lover’ from last season). Broski stepped out of the limo lookin’ like Bill Nye the Pants Guy, and he’s got the twitter bio to back his nerd-centricity (again, don’t ask why/how I find these things). The pants man will make it far, mark my words.

Marquel the cookie monster- Homeboy straight up told Andi “the love of my life is cookies” so, like, Marquel and I are one and the same. Andi oddly loved it, so he didn’t get the boot quite yet.

Tasos- Literally anything he did was irrelevant because all I can think of when I see/hear his name is tacos and now I want mexican food.

Cody- The worst human- he looks like a blonde, GTL-version of Tin-Tin, the french comic book character.

Steven- A Cali bro who was trying extremely too hard to prove that he was a Cali bro. In other unfortunate news, he was in my Top 5 and he already got the boot.

Rudie- The only thing I remember about him is him giving her a horrible craft project as soon as he stepped out of the limo and then her hugging him goodbye. #sorry

Carl- He handed her a globe as his opening line. LAME. Other than that, ZERO recollection of this man being on the show, whoops.

Jason- WHO GETS UP IN THE MORNING AND SERIOUSLY THINKS THEIR HAIR LOOKS GOOD LIKE THIS?!?! DW from Arthur, that’s who.

jason_Fotor_Collage

Nick V- He won the first impression rose from Andi because this small child is so adorably endearing that he practically couldn’t form sentences in her presence. Also, he looks like your cousin’s best friend, doesn’t he?

Dylan- Andddd we have a Gaston in the building, folks! If you don’t get the reference, Gaston refers to the ULTIMATE douchebag- you know, the one with the greased back hair, dresses well, and thinks that he could literally get any girl he wanted to at the drop of a hat, but wouldn’t be able to spell their name if he tried. See gif below for further explanation, and now look at Dylan.

Patrick- Broski wins points for making a solid dig at Juan Pablo, but I really just can’t take him seriously because of his hair. Did he place an iron on top of it? I’m confused.

Emil aka NO NO NO- “Like anal but with an m” -direct quote.

Brett the lamp man- HE BROUGHT A LAMP FROM THE HOTEL AS A GIFT. Therefore, he wins everything. The show is over. #LampMan FTW.

Craig- He reminds me of a chipmunk, I have no idea why, and I just can’t move past it. Except for this flawless move- you do you, brotha.

Ron- Again, I really just remember loving that his name was Ron and that he was all about the free drinks and that’s about it.

Bradley AN ACTUAL OPERA SINGER- Okay, ABC, I’ve really had it up to here with the opera singers. I came around with Sharleen last season (she’s still a lot for me to handle), but this man was singing ON THE FIRST NIGHT. I’VE HAD ENOUGH. GO BACK TO THE OPERA HOUSE AND STAY THERE.

Josh B- Eh, I’ve got nothin’.

Nick S- Is balding and showed up in a golf cart, because *drumroll please* he’s a pro golfer. Yawn.

Brian aka Coach Bolton- He’s a basketball coach. Need I say more? #GOWILDCATS

Andrew- A social media marketer, so I’m obviously on board (not nearly as fantastic as Kasey from last season, who spoke in hashtags on the first night and was a perfect specimen- #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin #iwantarose).

Mike- Two blonde men with long hair and middle parts? Just….no.

Eric- I was actually quite impressed with how ABC handled Eric’s death. Classy move, and so tragic.

Josh M- Immediately opens up with “I live in Atlanta, too, so we’re practically neighbors!” Get out the restraining order, Andi.

That about rounds them all out. Oh, except for the guy who is part of the #BachelorFamily (meaning he was one of the bachelors on a previous season) who apparently camped out at the Bachelor Mansion for 7 days to attempt to join the show and vie for Andi’s affection. That definitely wasn’t staged AT ALL, amirite? That definitely wasn’t promo for the next season of Bachelor Pad. Nope, not at all.

As always, I’m mainly just here for Chris Harrison. Pop the champagne, y’all- we’re in for a real doozy of a season.

[all images courtesy of ABC, except for the Arthur one, that’s obviously from PBS- DUH]

 

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