Month: August 2011

5 Reasons Why Tweens Shouldn’t Exist

Published on by Paige Dolton4 Comments

If you don’t know what a ‘tween’ is, you are lying. Technically speaking, a tween is someone between the stages of being a child and a teenager; they range in age from 9 to 15. The most important thing anyone needs to know about a tween is that they are the most obnoxious living things known to man. Yes, I am well aware that at some point in my life I, myself, was a tween. After coming to terms with this fact, however, I realized that tweens today are incredibly more obnoxious and unnecessary than the tweens of my generation. This is largely attributed to the fact that almost all tweens today are exposed to media in large doses and that most of them now have iPhones, Facebook accounts and twitter accounts, thus leading them to think that they are God’s gift to the earth. If you are a tween and you are reading this: child, you are nothing special. So without further ado, here are the top 5 reasons why Tweens should not exist.

They dress like baby prostitutes. Yes, I did just quote mean girls. But the phrase could not be more adequate. Being between the ages of 9 and 15, most tweens have yet to encounter any weight issues and are still just skin and bone. Because of this, they feel the need to show off their skinny asses by wearing booty shorts and barely-there shirts. No. I actually don’t want to see your ass-cheeks and your flat as a board stomach while I’m shopping at Wal-Mart, thanks. If you need any more clarification, I stole this picture from an 11 year-old girl’s tumblr. Enough said.

They abuse social networking sites. Alright, so do a lot of college kids, but tweens really take the cake on this one. They feel the need to profess to the world every single meaningless aspect of their life. From whiny statuses to frequent MySpace pictures (clearly they didn’t get the memo), their Facebooks make me want to throw up. Tweens even play stupid games where they post a FB status along the lines of “truth is…” which means that their friends are supposed to write on their wall something that starts with “truth is…”. I wish I was joking. And don’t even get me started on twitter. Tweens’ tweets are comprised of two things: professions of love to Justin Bieber or complaints about how horrible their life is because their parents won’t let them go to Warped Tour unsupervised.

They only communicate via text-talk. You’d think that these kids were mute by the amount of time they spend attached to their cell phones. Tweens text like they are being paid to do so, and the way they text is just downright stupid. ‘Omggz gurl cum 2 mii casa 2dai so we can take pics in da mirrorrrr.’ Just stop. What’s worse is seeing a group of tween girls walking in the mall and literally every single one of them is glued to their phone. Why did you even get together today if you weren’t even going to speak to each other?

Their life is one big drama. Mom grounded you from the computer so you can’t tweet back to Justin Bieber and watch Teen Mom. BOO-HOO. There’s no need to go all psycho-freak and threaten to kill yourselves. Wait, Sally didn’t show up to the sleepover because she already had plans? Yep, you’re right. She hates you and you totally have every right to spread rumors about her and then cry about it to all of your friends, in addition to posting some sappy song lyrics as your Facebook status and tweeting up a storm.

We keep getting older, they stay the same age. There will always be tweens; there is no way around it. Even when we are 50, tweens will still be whining and pissing me off.

Lady Antebellum: Annoying and Whiny

Published on by Paige Dolton1 Comment

We’ve all heard the song. You know, that one where the boy and the girl are drunk and desperate and whine about needing each other? Well, if you’ve been living under a rock for the last 3 years, its called “Need You Now” by  the country music group ‘Lady Antebellum’. It was played every 10 minutes on the Top 40 and Country stations, just to be extra obnoxious. At first, I kind of liked the song. It was catchy, I had heard it enough times that I could sing along to it, and I had no problems. Then it just got plain stupid. The song is about a no-strings-attached relationship that ended for whatever reason when clearly both sides didn’t want it to end, and now they are lonely low-lifes who drink to ease the pain of their desperation for their one-time booty call. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know this happens all the time in real life. I’m in college, you think I’ve never heard of a dramatic hook-up where neither side was willing to commit? But honestly, the song is just so pathetic. Have a little dignity! At 25 and 29 years old, I think the lead singers are a little old to be this pitifully desperate. Quite frankly, the lyrics sound like they were written specifically for the purpose of becoming a 13 year old girl’s Facebook status: “reachinggg 4 the fone cuz i cant fite it anymoreee ❤ u johnny”.

Now, I had heard their other song “I Run to You” before this, so I hadn’t written off Lady Antebellum as being the worst thing to happen to country music quite yet. That song, I actually have some respect for- its not a childish ode to a drunken relationship. But of course, “Lookin’ For a Good Time” comes on the radio. Really? This song is all about a drunken one night stand because they think that a real relationship is too complicated. One of the lyrics of the song is “Go ahead and lie to me and pull me close, tell me that you love me even if you don’t.” I kid you not. The funny thing is, this song was released before “Need You Now”. So let me get this straight, Lady A- you want someone to tell you that they love you even if they don’t and to get drunk and hook up with them like its no big deal, but then later you’re going to get drunk and desperate and want to call them up for a booty call because you are so lonely?

See, Lady Antebellum is really obnoxious.

[I really liked ‘American Honey’ so I pretend that its not their song.] Their most recent single, “Just A Kiss”, might not involve the alcohol the way the other two do, but it still sounds as if it was written by a young tween who is determined to make it work with her crush, thus leading her to over analyze everything and be overcautious (and annoying). She clearly wants to jump this guy, but she knows that if she wants the relationship to last more than just one hook-up, she has to take it incredibly slow and leave him with just a kiss.

So in conclusion, Lady Antebellum wants to get drunk and hook up with someone who will lie and say that they love them, but then they’re going to get drunk and cry and booty call their hook-up because they have no one else, and then when they finally get someone else in their life, they’re going to be so cautious that this other person will eventually end up leaving them. A+, Lady Antebellum, solid work.

Need You Now- Lady Antebellum

The Road-Trip Chronicles post #1

Published on by Paige Dolton1 Comment

It’s no secret that I love driving. So much so that my car is actually starting to fall apart (can we have a moment of silence please for the PDJeep). But she’s somehow still kickin’ and putting up with my desire to drive everywhere and anywhere, drive anyone, and drive at anytime. I promised myself at the beginning of this summer that this would be the summer of road-trips. It wasn’t a serious statement, nor did I sit down right then and there and plan out my entire summer’s travel plans, but kind of just a thought to myself that I somehow knew I would be driving a ton these past three months. And drive I did. So far this summer I have been to Connecticut and back (via train so that doesn’t count), Clemson, France and back to Clemson (okay obviously I didn’t drive), home from Clemson, Charleston, SC and back, Charlottesville, VA and back, Charlottesville and back again, Culpepper, VA and back, and just this past weekend I drove to Lexington, VA then to Spartanburg, SC then to Tuxedo, NC and then back home sweet home. That’s an ass-load of driving, if I do say so myself (sidenote: a majority of the time I was all by my lonesome).

Since I’ve kind of missed talking about each trip immediately after they happened, I’ll keep it to just this past weekend so none of my readers (my hundreds upon hundreds of them) fall asleep at the computer screen.

Thursday I got the PDJeep all packed up and ready to go for my weekend excursion to go see some of my best friends in the world and my boyfriend. Just this past Sunday was  the first day of Camp Lachlan, the place I called home to every summer since I was 10. This year marked the 2nd year that I would not be able to return as a counselor, but I knew I had to get out there at any opportunity I was given. Although it’s just 3 short weeks out of the summer, I have made some of my closest friends there and it truly holds a special spot in my heart. I arrived in Lexington, the closest civilized town near camp, just in time to join my girls for dinner since it was their night off from being counselors. It had been a year since we had all been together, so we chatted and caught up with eachother and then made our way to Buffalo Bend. The Bend is something we all have come to love; it’s a little shack in the middle of the woods built right next to a creek that served as our getaway during those three weeks. Every year, we will still go back there at least once. To get an idea of the shenanigans that go on at The Bend, I’ve included a couple of pictures from our 2008 stay.

I’m sure you get the idea. Continuing on, I went back to camp with the girls and spent the night in an empty counselor’s bed, thus scaring the bejesus out of the campers the next morning. In all seriousness, I woke up to people whispering about which counselor I was until finally a small child the age of 9 tapped me on my shoulder and asked me to my face. I spent the morning there reminiscing with my friends and stepping in to help the dance counselors as always (I just can’t seem to get away!). Lunchtime came and I had to be on my merry way, leaving behind my dear Jump Mountain.

Roughly 6 hours later, I made it to Spartanburg where I was greeted by my boyfriend and his family’s new puppy, Lily. I cannot tell you how good it felt to be back in the South. I looked out to the backyard to see tractors, trailers, boats, and dogs only to walk in the door and immediately smell the crockpot cookin’. Needless to say, it felt great to be back. The next morning Powell and I headed out to Tuxedo, NC, where his family has a house on Lake Summit. Now, we all know how I feel about water. This was no exception. Everything about the area was perfect: the lake was situated in the valley of the mountains in Tuxedo. Their house was absolutely precious and was just right: it was Powell’s grandfather’s lakehouse that his dad had gone to as a little boy (I’m such a sucker for old buildings!). There were 2 summer camps situated right on the lake so we were able to watch them have sailing competitions throughout the weekend. Powell, being the big boater that he is, took me out on their boats several times during the day. He knows how in love I am with nature and water, so he’d oftentimes stop the boat and let it float while we laid back and just enjoyed the moment (cheesebucket moment, pardon me).  To divulge into our schedule of events would be way to much more effort than I’m willing to put in right now, but I’ll leave the post with some pictures highlighting what an exceptional weekend it really was.