Wednesday Pick-Me-Up

So, here’s the thing. I haven’t posted a blog post in over a year, and I get that. And I can hear what you’re saying: “who do I think I am, Carrie Bradshow? Coming off of some ‘Eat-Pray-Love’ adventure?” Of course not. But the one thing I’ve been super clear about from the beginning of this blog (shoutout to 2011!) is that it is to serve as an outlet for my thoughts at my current time and place. Oh, also, it’s just a fun thing, so just read the blog, you dummy.

Which leads me to this very important announcement: this is officially the most important YouTube video in my entire life. And here’s a preview of why:

  1. Well, Billy Eichner, because OBVIOUSLY
  2. Jon Hamm makes an appearance?
  3. BRANDS, BRANDS. BRANDS.

So, at this point in my writing, I’m hoping that you’ve watched the extremely important YouTube video linked above (no, seriously, go watch it). If yes (and if no), please refer to this breakdown of the necessary characters that I will now subsequently attempt to be for Halloween because of this single important YouTube video (in order):

  • Andy Samberg as Tom from MySpace
    • Tom, honey, you should be honored with the amount of airtime you are getting from this 3-minute piece of art.
  • Mermaid Logo from Starbucks
    • Yl7089-dreamworks-animation-logo-93083es, recognized, but not honored as much as she should be. JUSTICE FOR MERMAID WOMAN.
  • Andy Samberg as the Fishing Boy from Dreamworks
    • “What’s you’re favorite Andy Samberg work?” “HIS NOSE.”
    • The fact that this is even a reference brings me joy, honestly.
  • Princess Diana Commemorative Beanie Beabie
    • Watch the video, click the link, You won’t be confused anymore.
  • Gnomeo & Juliet
    • I’m really just upset that this is an actual reference; view at your own risk: movie poster
  • Sunmaid Raisins- Poster Girl
    • Honestly, no visual or explanation needed, WE ALL KNOW THE SUNMAID RAISINS
    • A HUGE BASKET OF GRAPES– if the grapes are Latina, they would definitely be (according to popular vote) Jennifer Lawrence
  • Spotify Logo
    • THIS WINS ALL OF 2017; I have not laughed harder than when this showed up on my screen. I may be in the severe minority, but this was incredible.
    • The ‘weapon’ was the royalties of a ‘fifth of a cent’ and I about peed myself.
  • Tinder Flame
    • “Yeahhhhhhhh YOU’RE THE WORST” LET’S GET IT, TINDER.
    • “HEY THERE, GOOD, NOT MUCH, HOW BOUT YOU?”
  • Doctor Strange, Medicine Woman
    • Apparently, Jon Hamm just wanted a speaking part in this video, and who can blame him.
  • Little Women Resurrection
    • BUT THIS TIME THEY’RE MEN. AND THEY’RE MEN AND THEY’RE BIG.
  • Dandy from the New Yorker
    • Take me seriously, I get very upset if you don’t.
  • Lupita N’yonga as the NBC Peacock
    • “I’m the NBC Peacock, I’ll kill you”
    • “We’ve just found out about Chicago 4 years ago and we’re very into it.”
  • Honorable Mention: Jansport backpacks in relation to diversity.

Basically, I just needed everyone to be aware of this absolutely incredible piece of entertainment. That is all. Have a wonderful week.

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It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year- NONSTOP CHRISTMAS MUSIC

Let’s make one thing clear- it’s no secret that I’m obsessed with all things Christmas. I’ve got Christmas sweaters on deck, decorations for days, and can recite almost any holiday movie from the nineties by heart. Let’s also not forget the fact that I was due to be born on Christmas Day. I think I’ve made my point. However, nothing holds a candle to how I feel about the truly joyous and effervescent gift that comes around this time each year- holiday music.

xmasmusicEver since a young age, I’ve been delighted and fascinated at the sound of jingle bells filling the air and carolers singing around me. My mother can even attest to the fact that I used to call into the holiday radio station (waddup 97.1 WASH-FM) and request to hear ‘Christmas Shoes’ or ‘Christmas Eve in Washington’ almost every single night. It got to the point where Glenn Hollis (the late-night radio DJ who hosted ‘After Hours with Glenn Hollis,’ obviously) and I became kindred spirits and I became genuinely upset when he was replaced with some chick named Delilah (go home, Delilah).

We should all know by now that I have a creepy unique taste in music, but trust me, this is truly the time of year when my song list shines. Take, for example, the fact that I listen to Josh Groban and Michael Buble year-round. These guys’ most noteworthy albums by a landslide are their holiday albums (sidenote: Mr. Groban’s album was the overall best-selling album in the U.S in 2008, need I say more?), so this is the time of year I get to listen to their music without being judged! Hooray for Paige!

Well, because my Spotify seems to be a treasure trove of odd playlists (see here for my movie scores playlist), along with the occasional sprinkle of Justin Bieber’s ‘Sorry,’ I’ve been putting 6 particular playlists into rotation for the past month or so to gear up for the holidays. Yes, you read that correctly: I have six different holiday playlists. And because I’m a generous person, of course, I’ve included all of them in this post. I know, I know- how could I be so nice? I know that 6 Christmas playlists was exactly what you were missing in your life. They are all Spotify playlists, so if you don’t use Spotify, first of all, please re-evaluate your life, and second of all, tough (gingerbread) cookies. The best part of all? All of the playlists are collaborative, meaning anyone with a Spotify account can add any songs to them. So if you see that something is missing, feel free to add it to the playlist- the more Christmas tunes, the merrier 🙂 Happy listening!

Playlist #1: Classic Christmas Tunes
I feel as though the title should probably give this away, but this playlist is my go-to for the holiday tunes that you grew up on. You either heard these while you walked through the mall doing your holiday shopping, on your radio driving through the snow to your relatives’ house, or really just any other place that had a generic loop of Christmas songs on repeat. You really can’t go wrong.

Playlist #2: Modern Christmas Tunes 
If you’re a successful artist these days, chances are you’ve probably released at least one holiday song at one point or another. And why not? During the holiday season, who wouldn’t want some extra cash coming in from song sales? We all know Mariah Carey has been living very comfortably sine the release of her instant-classic holiday hit, given that the song is in the top ten on iTunes every single December without fail. Basically, this playlist is full of either classic songs sung by your favorite current artists, or brand new original holiday songs, like the ever-inspiring ‘Text Me Merry Christmas’ by Kristin Bell and Straight No Chaser. [Also there’s a lot of GLEE Christmas songs on here deal with it SORRYBYE]

Playlist #3: Calm Christmas Tunes
So it’s been a long day at the office and you just want to sit by the fire with some mulled wine or eggnog in your hand and de-stress, right? Consider this playlist your new best friend. We’ve got a lot of instrumentals and a-Capella tracks (think Vince Guaraldi Trio and Il Divo, respectively), but I’ve also thrown in some Barbara and even some Sam Smith to create the perfect mellow mood.

Playlist #4: Jazzy Christmas Tunes of Yester-Year
Yes, you are correct, that is the best playlist title of all time- thanks for noticing! I’ve always had a real passion for swing music, so really, it’s only natural that holiday music would be my favorite genre since that’s when Christmas music really came into its’ prime. Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Perry Como, Johnny Mathis, Andy Williams, Dean Martin?! These guys right here are true icons in their own right, but even more so during the holiday season. White Christmas?! I MEAN, COME ON- WHAT A CLASSIC. Okay, I’ll stop now. Just put it on shuffle and listen for yourself.

Playlist #5: Ultimate Christmas Tunes
Since I’ve already broken the rest of the playlists out into specific categories, here’s your ultimate all-encompassing Christmas Music Playlist. This playlist has EVERYTHING: The Nutcracker Suite, Ella Fitzgerald, Willie Nelson, and even Tom Hanks (hopefully you all got the SNL Stefan reference there). Put this one on shuffle, but at your own risk- there’s truly a lot going on here. Also it’s 20+ hours of non-stop Christmas music so depending on who you are as a person, that’s either heaven or torture.

Playlist #6: Paige’s Favorite Christmas Tunes
YOU’VE MADE IT. Honestly, I’ve you’re still reading this far and are genuinely interested in this much holiday music, please call me immediately so I can officially declare you as my best friend. Obviously, I like all of the other playlists in their own right, however, I managed to narrow it down to my favorites of all time. The playlist starts with truly the greatest Christmas song ever created: the main title song from Home Alone. If you disagree, GOODBYE. This song used to be on repeat when I lived with Heather, so I know she’ll appreciate it when I say it’s definitely still on repeat now (sorry Megan). Missing from this playlist is unfortunately one of my other favorites which is not available on Spotify for whatever reason- ‘Winter Wonderland’ by Jason Mraz. Trust me, you’ll like it.

Again, if you’ve made it this far, Feliz Navidad, Mazol Tov, and just, all-around congratulations. From my ear-buds to yours, happy holidays, y’all.

The Men of #TheBachelorette: An Honest Review

*Cue me rolling my eyes at myself*

Disclaimer: The fact that I watch The Bachelor/ette is truly something that I am not proud of. Before I go any further, I’d just like for everyone to know that I started watching this purely to make fun of it (and with Des’ season, it wasn’t too difficult; the damn woman cried every 5 minutes). Yes, I’d seen bits and pieces before Des’ season, but, that was the one that got me hooked. I endured the torture that was Juany-P’s season, and here we are, at Andi Dorfman’s bachelorette debut to the world.

Monday’s season premiere was nothing short of entertaining. I attempted to live-tweet it, but there were so many men that I really couldn’t keep up. Therefore, without further ado, here is my commentary on the men, in the order of which they presented themselves to Andi at the beginning of “their journey.” *cue 17th eyeroll*

Marcus- One of my Top 5 (yes I made a top 5- sue me), I’m truly having a hard time trying to come up with something bad about this one. Andi practically drooled at him when he stepped out of the limo, so I think he’ll be here a while.

Famer Chris from Iowa- FARMER CHRIS CAN STAY. He used nothing more than his farmer-appeal to woo Andi, and let’s just say that it definitely worked. More importantly, though- he’s into ‘farming magazines.’

JJ aka the #pantsapraneur- If you think I’m joking, his official bio on ABC’s site states that as his profession (although, nothing compares to Kelly Travisty’s profession of ‘Dog Lover’ from last season). Broski stepped out of the limo lookin’ like Bill Nye the Pants Guy, and he’s got the twitter bio to back his nerd-centricity (again, don’t ask why/how I find these things). The pants man will make it far, mark my words.

Marquel the cookie monster- Homeboy straight up told Andi “the love of my life is cookies” so, like, Marquel and I are one and the same. Andi oddly loved it, so he didn’t get the boot quite yet.

Tasos- Literally anything he did was irrelevant because all I can think of when I see/hear his name is tacos and now I want mexican food.

Cody- The worst human- he looks like a blonde, GTL-version of Tin-Tin, the french comic book character.

Steven- A Cali bro who was trying extremely too hard to prove that he was a Cali bro. In other unfortunate news, he was in my Top 5 and he already got the boot.

Rudie- The only thing I remember about him is him giving her a horrible craft project as soon as he stepped out of the limo and then her hugging him goodbye. #sorry

Carl- He handed her a globe as his opening line. LAME. Other than that, ZERO recollection of this man being on the show, whoops.

Jason- WHO GETS UP IN THE MORNING AND SERIOUSLY THINKS THEIR HAIR LOOKS GOOD LIKE THIS?!?! DW from Arthur, that’s who.

jason_Fotor_Collage

Nick V- He won the first impression rose from Andi because this small child is so adorably endearing that he practically couldn’t form sentences in her presence. Also, he looks like your cousin’s best friend, doesn’t he?

Dylan- Andddd we have a Gaston in the building, folks! If you don’t get the reference, Gaston refers to the ULTIMATE douchebag- you know, the one with the greased back hair, dresses well, and thinks that he could literally get any girl he wanted to at the drop of a hat, but wouldn’t be able to spell their name if he tried. See gif below for further explanation, and now look at Dylan.

Patrick- Broski wins points for making a solid dig at Juan Pablo, but I really just can’t take him seriously because of his hair. Did he place an iron on top of it? I’m confused.

Emil aka NO NO NO- “Like anal but with an m” -direct quote.

Brett the lamp man- HE BROUGHT A LAMP FROM THE HOTEL AS A GIFT. Therefore, he wins everything. The show is over. #LampMan FTW.

Craig- He reminds me of a chipmunk, I have no idea why, and I just can’t move past it. Except for this flawless move- you do you, brotha.

Ron- Again, I really just remember loving that his name was Ron and that he was all about the free drinks and that’s about it.

Bradley AN ACTUAL OPERA SINGER- Okay, ABC, I’ve really had it up to here with the opera singers. I came around with Sharleen last season (she’s still a lot for me to handle), but this man was singing ON THE FIRST NIGHT. I’VE HAD ENOUGH. GO BACK TO THE OPERA HOUSE AND STAY THERE.

Josh B- Eh, I’ve got nothin’.

Nick S- Is balding and showed up in a golf cart, because *drumroll please* he’s a pro golfer. Yawn.

Brian aka Coach Bolton- He’s a basketball coach. Need I say more? #GOWILDCATS

Andrew- A social media marketer, so I’m obviously on board (not nearly as fantastic as Kasey from last season, who spoke in hashtags on the first night and was a perfect specimen- #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin #iwantarose).

Mike- Two blonde men with long hair and middle parts? Just….no.

Eric- I was actually quite impressed with how ABC handled Eric’s death. Classy move, and so tragic.

Josh M- Immediately opens up with “I live in Atlanta, too, so we’re practically neighbors!” Get out the restraining order, Andi.

That about rounds them all out. Oh, except for the guy who is part of the #BachelorFamily (meaning he was one of the bachelors on a previous season) who apparently camped out at the Bachelor Mansion for 7 days to attempt to join the show and vie for Andi’s affection. That definitely wasn’t staged AT ALL, amirite? That definitely wasn’t promo for the next season of Bachelor Pad. Nope, not at all.

As always, I’m mainly just here for Chris Harrison. Pop the champagne, y’all- we’re in for a real doozy of a season.

[all images courtesy of ABC, except for the Arthur one, that’s obviously from PBS- DUH]