The Men of #TheBachelorette: An Honest Review

*Cue me rolling my eyes at myself*

Disclaimer: The fact that I watch The Bachelor/ette is truly something that I am not proud of. Before I go any further, I’d just like for everyone to know that I started watching this purely to make fun of it (and with Des’ season, it wasn’t too difficult; the damn woman cried every 5 minutes). Yes, I’d seen bits and pieces before Des’ season, but, that was the one that got me hooked. I endured the torture that was Juany-P’s season, and here we are, at Andi Dorfman’s bachelorette debut to the world.

Monday’s season premiere was nothing short of entertaining. I attempted to live-tweet it, but there were so many men that I really couldn’t keep up. Therefore, without further ado, here is my commentary on the men, in the order of which they presented themselves to Andi at the beginning of “their journey.” *cue 17th eyeroll*

Marcus- One of my Top 5 (yes I made a top 5- sue me), I’m truly having a hard time trying to come up with something bad about this one. Andi practically drooled at him when he stepped out of the limo, so I think he’ll be here a while.

Famer Chris from Iowa- FARMER CHRIS CAN STAY. He used nothing more than his farmer-appeal to woo Andi, and let’s just say that it definitely worked. More importantly, though- he’s into ‘farming magazines.’

JJ aka the #pantsapraneur- If you think I’m joking, his official bio on ABC’s site states that as his profession (although, nothing compares to Kelly Travisty’s profession of ‘Dog Lover’ from last season). Broski stepped out of the limo lookin’ like Bill Nye the Pants Guy, and he’s got the twitter bio to back his nerd-centricity (again, don’t ask why/how I find these things). The pants man will make it far, mark my words.

Marquel the cookie monster- Homeboy straight up told Andi “the love of my life is cookies” so, like, Marquel and I are one and the same. Andi oddly loved it, so he didn’t get the boot quite yet.

Tasos- Literally anything he did was irrelevant because all I can think of when I see/hear his name is tacos and now I want mexican food.

Cody- The worst human- he looks like a blonde, GTL-version of Tin-Tin, the french comic book character.

Steven- A Cali bro who was trying extremely too hard to prove that he was a Cali bro. In other unfortunate news, he was in my Top 5 and he already got the boot.

Rudie- The only thing I remember about him is him giving her a horrible craft project as soon as he stepped out of the limo and then her hugging him goodbye. #sorry

Carl- He handed her a globe as his opening line. LAME. Other than that, ZERO recollection of this man being on the show, whoops.

Jason- WHO GETS UP IN THE MORNING AND SERIOUSLY THINKS THEIR HAIR LOOKS GOOD LIKE THIS?!?! DW from Arthur, that’s who.

jason_Fotor_Collage

Nick V- He won the first impression rose from Andi because this small child is so adorably endearing that he practically couldn’t form sentences in her presence. Also, he looks like your cousin’s best friend, doesn’t he?

Dylan- Andddd we have a Gaston in the building, folks! If you don’t get the reference, Gaston refers to the ULTIMATE douchebag- you know, the one with the greased back hair, dresses well, and thinks that he could literally get any girl he wanted to at the drop of a hat, but wouldn’t be able to spell their name if he tried. See gif below for further explanation, and now look at Dylan.

Patrick- Broski wins points for making a solid dig at Juan Pablo, but I really just can’t take him seriously because of his hair. Did he place an iron on top of it? I’m confused.

Emil aka NO NO NO- “Like anal but with an m” -direct quote.

Brett the lamp man- HE BROUGHT A LAMP FROM THE HOTEL AS A GIFT. Therefore, he wins everything. The show is over. #LampMan FTW.

Craig- He reminds me of a chipmunk, I have no idea why, and I just can’t move past it. Except for this flawless move- you do you, brotha.

Ron- Again, I really just remember loving that his name was Ron and that he was all about the free drinks and that’s about it.

Bradley AN ACTUAL OPERA SINGER- Okay, ABC, I’ve really had it up to here with the opera singers. I came around with Sharleen last season (she’s still a lot for me to handle), but this man was singing ON THE FIRST NIGHT. I’VE HAD ENOUGH. GO BACK TO THE OPERA HOUSE AND STAY THERE.

Josh B- Eh, I’ve got nothin’.

Nick S- Is balding and showed up in a golf cart, because *drumroll please* he’s a pro golfer. Yawn.

Brian aka Coach Bolton- He’s a basketball coach. Need I say more? #GOWILDCATS

Andrew- A social media marketer, so I’m obviously on board (not nearly as fantastic as Kasey from last season, who spoke in hashtags on the first night and was a perfect specimen- #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin #iwantarose).

Mike- Two blonde men with long hair and middle parts? Just….no.

Eric- I was actually quite impressed with how ABC handled Eric’s death. Classy move, and so tragic.

Josh M- Immediately opens up with “I live in Atlanta, too, so we’re practically neighbors!” Get out the restraining order, Andi.

That about rounds them all out. Oh, except for the guy who is part of the #BachelorFamily (meaning he was one of the bachelors on a previous season) who apparently camped out at the Bachelor Mansion for 7 days to attempt to join the show and vie for Andi’s affection. That definitely wasn’t staged AT ALL, amirite? That definitely wasn’t promo for the next season of Bachelor Pad. Nope, not at all.

As always, I’m mainly just here for Chris Harrison. Pop the champagne, y’all- we’re in for a real doozy of a season.

[all images courtesy of ABC, except for the Arthur one, that’s obviously from PBS- DUH]

 

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2014, let’s see what you’re made of

Let’s start this off on an honest note: I debated for a pretty long time about whether or not I would write a synopsis of 2013/welcome to 2014 post. In terms of articles and things people talk about, it’s pretty high on the popularity list, hence I didn’t want to just be another post among the Facebook statuses, tweets, and other buzz you saw in the final days of December. In my defense, I’ve also had quite a bit happening in the last couple of weeks: going home for Christmas, best friends visiting the Windy City for almost a week before New Year’s Eve, winning the Orange Bowl, turning 23, and surviving the deathly Polar Vortex cold, also known as #ChiBeria (this last one is still up for debate). Now that the chaos has died down a little bit, here I am, nestled in my apartment in Old Town Chicago, watching the snow fall (once again) outside my window, and a Daisy Cutter in a coozie next to me. 2014, you look pretty dashing so far- besides the potential frostbite.

I find myself very fortunate to be the same age for practically an entire calendar year (does this make me weird?), so 2013 and 22 go synonymously for me. That being said, 22 brought a lot of ups and downs. There were the obvious big life events that happened: graduated college, moved to Chicago, got a job. But to me, what’s more important than the big moments is the details put in to them. And it’s the details that I want to remember about 2013, not the big events.

IMG_0106My final semester of my Senior year at Clemson was probably one of the hardest for me (yep, even harder than Freshman year) because, to me, it meant that change was coming. I have never, ever, been good with change. The idea of change- I am absolutely infatuated with it. But actually putting my feet on the ground and going through the motions is just something that is really hard on my soul, no matter how much I crave it and no matter how good it is for my well-being. However, even though it was a hard one, that final semester Senior year was probably my favorite one, filled with incredible memories with amazing people.

It is this fear of change that kept me at Clemson for a month after graduating. No plans, zero to little money- just me watching all of my friends pack up their things and move onto the next chapter in their lives. Don’t get me wrong- that was a pretty good month. There was a lot of sleeping in ’til who knows when, sitting at the pool for who knows how long, and taking ridiculous road trips to who knows where with my fellow vagabond Melissa, who stuck around for that month in Finley with me, thank goodness. But at the same time, it was extremely terrifying. This time, I knew that change was imminent: it needed to happen.

IMG_1752Flash-forward two months and I am driving 13 hours to Chicago in a rental sedan packed with everything I could manage to fit. Did I have a plan? Nope. Was I terrified beyond all belief? You betcha. But it was the most excited I had ever been for anything in my entire life. I couldn’t count on two hands how many people told me I was crazy for doing what I did, but it is probably the proudest I have ever been of myself. This was something I did not need to do; I could have easily lived at home, saved some money, been comfortable in a city I already knew, and been completely fine. But, hey, where’s the fun in that? 

This is nothing against those who did something along those lines; to be quite honest, I commend you. However, for me, if I had done that I just know that I would not have been happy or fully satisfied. But you go, glen coco.

It hasn’t been a walk in the park; I will be the first one to admit that. There have been a lot of rough days where I have wanted to give up and take the first flight home. I even reserved floor space at one of my friend’s apartments in DC in the event that that might happen. But I will say one thing- having the extreme fortune to live with one of my most cherished friends in this city that we both used to call home when we were younger has made this process so much better than it could have been. I’ll say it once, and I’ll say it again- the life that Laura and I lead would make an extraordinary reality show.

So, again, here I am on January 9th, freshly 23 years old, fully employed, and feeling like a true Chicago-an, meaning I am freezing to death walking to work every morning in -11 degree weather. In all seriousness, I’ve come pretty damn far from the girl who stayed in Clemson because she was too terrified of what would happen next, and it’s hard to believe it’s only been 7 months since then.

2014, I’m pretty jazzed to see what you have in store for me. I learned quite a bit more about myself than I thought I would last year, so, swing away- I’m sure I can handle it.

PS- I’ve included my Spotify playlist that was never very far from me during June-December of 2013. There’s a lot of John Mayer on it, sue me.