How to Halloween

Published on by Paige Dolton4 Comments
They’ve got the group costume and the slut factor down to a science.

It’s that time of year again, folks. You know, the time when girls all dress as slutty as possible and get away with it; guys throw on a sombrero and call themselves a Mexican; it’s Halloween! If you’re in college, you know the drill already. If you’re a freshman, get ready for the best holiday you will experience during your college career. If you’re in high school, everything I’m about to type still applies; you all dress like sluts everyday so what difference does it make.

If you’re a girl, you have several options:

  • You can go the obvious route and dress like a skank; literally decide what you want to be for Halloween and then subtract half of the outfit. Pretty simple. Worried about getting drunk and wearing heels at the same time? Yeah, so is everyone else. But it’s HALLOWEEN for; you won’t look like a slut if you don’t wear heels. Suck it up.
  • If you’re trying to steer clear of the skank territory, you can always dress cute. There is nothing wrong with that, except that you’ll definitely be attracting a whole different slew of guys than your friend with the push-up bra on. The only problem with dressing cute is that people might expect you to go trick-or-treating; AKA you’ll look like you’re the ripe age of 7 years old. Again, nothing wrong with that. This is coming from the girl who wears bows in her hair on a daily basis. But it’s your call.
  • There’s also the option of ordering a costume or picking one up from Party City. My rule for this is that you are only allowed to do this once while you are in college. It doesn’t matter which year, it doesn’t matter what you dress as, but purchasing an already skankified costume with thigh high socks? Yeah it’s a one time deal. Yes, I have done this already. I was a slut version of Alice in Wonderland freshman year. Now that’s a combination of skank + cute if I’ve ever seen one.
  • Have a boyfriend? Does he normally do things you want him to do? If you answered yes to both of these, loosen the reigns a little bit, alright? Regardless, if he’s willing, you can always do a joint costume. Famous couples are really fun and show that you put a lot of effort into your costume, but don’t go absolutely nuts with this one. A perfect example of a couple costume was what my friend Hayleyand her boyfriend Brennan did last year: they dressed as an old couple, as in grandma and grandpa. Absolute perfection.

    The party don’t start ’til I walk in.
  • Still have no idea what to dress as? Get your friends together and do a group costume. No matter what the group is, people are still going to notice and they are still going to love it. The Spice Girls have been done every single year, yet the girls dressed up as them always get high praise for how good their costume is. Even a set of Crayola Crayons is a great group costume. CRAYONS PEOPLE, NOT THAT EXCITING.
  • My honest opinion: be something funny. Dress as something you feel comfortable telling people that you’re dressed as. For example, my sorority had a Calendar Themed crush party and my date and I went as Father’s Day. I wish I was kidding. Obviously, it was all my idea. I dressed as a child and he dressed as, well, my father. Thank you, Trey, for not abandoning me as a friend that night. My point being, I was not comfortable telling people that my date was dressed as my dad. My best costume, thus far in my life, is most definitely Ke$ha. And people thought it was funny, at least I hope, because I have an unhealthy obsession for the drunken pop star and it made the perfect costume for Halloween: Ke$ha actually is a drunk mess, so I would only living up to the costume, DUH.
Fellas, I literally am at a loss for words as to what to tell you to dress like. Y’all dress up as the STUPIDEST costumes and somehow still manage to make it work. I mean, really, a dinosaur? No. Someone at our mixer last night was dressed up as the little fat Asian boy scout from ‘Up!’. I can guarantee he went home with a girl last night. Even dressed as a small child. My only suggestion to the male species as a whole for Halloween is to be funny. Personally, I think fraternity pledges always have the best costumes. Frat-stars, take note: I am more likely to talk to some guy dressed as a speed-bump than to someone dressed as a lax bro. One of my friends last year was a priest. Not only was it offensive in the best way possible when he was ripping shots, but he proceeded to say “I bless you” to people the entire night. Nicely done, George.

All in all, Halloween is one of the best times of the year. It’s one of those holidays that even when you’re 23 years old, you just can’t help wanting to dress up and show off your costume to everyone. Hell, I’ll still be THAT GIRL that dresses up when I have a professional job…like I’ll ever have a professional job. Parting words: live it up. Don’t be the lame friend that decides to be ‘over’ Halloween. You can never be ‘too into it,’ so live a little. I mean, COME ON PEOPLE, the holiday is all about free candy. WHO DOESN’T LOVE FREE CANDY AND DRESSING HOWEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO?!

What Not To Tweet

Published on by Paige DoltonLeave a comment
Unfortunately for all of us, yes you did.

I get it. You use twitter as a place to get everything out that you feel like you just need to express to the entire internet. Except I don’t really get it at all. It’s not a public journal, people. If you really want to vent, then start a blog and then you have the right to say whatever the hell you want and people have the option of reading it. When I tweeted a link to this blog, you didn’t actually have to click it, right? You chose to. This being said, here’s my rant of things that I’m sick and tired of seeing all over my twitter timeline.

Requests to text you: Are you really that desperate that you feel the need to tweet ‘blahhh i have no friends txt me pleaseeeee’? That’s just pathetic. What, do you think people are going to read that and then think ‘hmmm, I should text that person because they are whining about it on their twitter’? No, I hate to break it to you, people don’t think like that. Maybe you should get your caboose off your twitter and go hang out with your friends, or, better yet, you should go ahead and text them yourself. What a concept.

Play-by-plays of your entire day: So you got a twitter to see what all your friends are up to, or what’s on their mind throughout the day, and they could do the same to you, right? That doesn’t mean that that your friends need to know exactly what time you wake up, where, when, and what you are going to eat for breakfast, or that you’re going to the bathroom right now. I really don’t care that you are currently “sitting on  the couch,” “taking a shower,” or “turning on your light switch.” No one cares about the mundane details of your everyday life.

Tweets to Justin Bieber: Seriously? He’s not going to respond. Write him love letters, I don’t care, but don’t clutter up my timeline. The worst part about this is that some girls have twitters solely dedicated to the Biebs, meaning that they only follow beliebers and they literally only tweet to the Biebs himself. Even if he does retweet you, you are still 100% insignificant to him in relation to his 13 million followers. Go be annoying somewhere else.

Song Lyrics/Bible Verses: Unless you are the actual artist tweeting the lyrics to your own song (no artists do this), then please do not do this. And I know that none of you b*tches are Jesus, so don’t even go there. I don’t care if it is displaying your currently apathetic mood or you want your ex-boyfriend to think it’s about him, I don’t want to see it. I can listen to whatever music I want to and believe in whatever God I want to; I’d prefer if you didn’t try to shove it in my face.

Full Conversations: This has got to be the worst. When you have a twitter conversation from your phone, you know it displays ‘sent from iPhone’, right? Well how about you use that iPhone to text your friend your super important conversation about your drinking plans tonight. There is no need to attempt to prove to other people that you have friends by communicating with them in the most public form possible.

Since this blog is connected to my twitter, I hope to God that some of you reading this right now learned a little something. If you are the perfect tweeter, then I give you a virtual high-five for not annoying the crap out of me on a daily basis.

5 Reasons Why Tweens Shouldn’t Exist

Published on by Paige Dolton5 Comments

If you don’t know what a ‘tween’ is, you are lying. Technically speaking, a tween is someone between the stages of being a child and a teenager; they range in age from 9 to 15. The most important thing anyone needs to know about a tween is that they are the most obnoxious living things known to man. Yes, I am well aware that at some point in my life I, myself, was a tween. After coming to terms with this fact, however, I realized that tweens today are incredibly more obnoxious and unnecessary than the tweens of my generation. This is largely attributed to the fact that almost all tweens today are exposed to media in large doses and that most of them now have iPhones, Facebook accounts and twitter accounts, thus leading them to think that they are God’s gift to the earth. If you are a tween and you are reading this: child, you are nothing special. So without further ado, here are the top 5 reasons why Tweens should not exist.

They dress like baby prostitutes. Yes, I did just quote mean girls. But the phrase could not be more adequate. Being between the ages of 9 and 15, most tweens have yet to encounter any weight issues and are still just skin and bone. Because of this, they feel the need to show off their skinny asses by wearing booty shorts and barely-there shirts. No. I actually don’t want to see your ass-cheeks and your flat as a board stomach while I’m shopping at Wal-Mart, thanks. If you need any more clarification, I stole this picture from an 11 year-old girl’s tumblr. Enough said.

They abuse social networking sites. Alright, so do a lot of college kids, but tweens really take the cake on this one. They feel the need to profess to the world every single meaningless aspect of their life. From whiny statuses to frequent MySpace pictures (clearly they didn’t get the memo), their Facebooks make me want to throw up. Tweens even play stupid games where they post a FB status along the lines of “truth is…” which means that their friends are supposed to write on their wall something that starts with “truth is…”. I wish I was joking. And don’t even get me started on twitter. Tweens’ tweets are comprised of two things: professions of love to Justin Bieber or complaints about how horrible their life is because their parents won’t let them go to Warped Tour unsupervised.

They only communicate via text-talk. You’d think that these kids were mute by the amount of time they spend attached to their cell phones. Tweens text like they are being paid to do so, and the way they text is just downright stupid. ‘Omggz gurl cum 2 mii casa 2dai so we can take pics in da mirrorrrr.’ Just stop. What’s worse is seeing a group of tween girls walking in the mall and literally every single one of them is glued to their phone. Why did you even get together today if you weren’t even going to speak to each other?

Their life is one big drama. Mom grounded you from the computer so you can’t tweet back to Justin Bieber and watch Teen Mom. BOO-HOO. There’s no need to go all psycho-freak and threaten to kill yourselves. Wait, Sally didn’t show up to the sleepover because she already had plans? Yep, you’re right. She hates you and you totally have every right to spread rumors about her and then cry about it to all of your friends, in addition to posting some sappy song lyrics as your Facebook status and tweeting up a storm.

We keep getting older, they stay the same age. There will always be tweens; there is no way around it. Even when we are 50, tweens will still be whining and pissing me off.