How to Halloween

They’ve got the group costume and the slut factor down to a science.

It’s that time of year again, folks. You know, the time when girls all dress as slutty as possible and get away with it; guys throw on a sombrero and call themselves a Mexican; it’s Halloween! If you’re in college, you know the drill already. If you’re a freshman, get ready for the best holiday you will experience during your college career. If you’re in high school, everything I’m about to type still applies; you all dress like sluts everyday so what difference does it make.

If you’re a girl, you have several options:

  • You can go the obvious route and dress like a skank; literally decide what you want to be for Halloween and then subtract half of the outfit. Pretty simple. Worried about getting drunk and wearing heels at the same time? Yeah, so is everyone else. But it’s HALLOWEEN for; you won’t look like a slut if you don’t wear heels. Suck it up.
  • If you’re trying to steer clear of the skank territory, you can always dress cute. There is nothing wrong with that, except that you’ll definitely be attracting a whole different slew of guys than your friend with the push-up bra on. The only problem with dressing cute is that people might expect you to go trick-or-treating; AKA you’ll look like you’re the ripe age of 7 years old. Again, nothing wrong with that. This is coming from the girl who wears bows in her hair on a daily basis. But it’s your call.
  • There’s also the option of ordering a costume or picking one up from Party City. My rule for this is that you are only allowed to do this once while you are in college. It doesn’t matter which year, it doesn’t matter what you dress as, but purchasing an already skankified costume with thigh high socks? Yeah it’s a one time deal. Yes, I have done this already. I was a slut version of Alice in Wonderland freshman year. Now that’s a combination of skank + cute if I’ve ever seen one.
  • Have a boyfriend? Does he normally do things you want him to do? If you answered yes to both of these, loosen the reigns a little bit, alright? Regardless, if he’s willing, you can always do a joint costume. Famous couples are really fun and show that you put a lot of effort into your costume, but don’t go absolutely nuts with this one. A perfect example of a couple costume was what my friend Hayleyand her boyfriend Brennan did last year: they dressed as an old couple, as in grandma and grandpa. Absolute perfection.

    The party don’t start ’til I walk in.
  • Still have no idea what to dress as? Get your friends together and do a group costume. No matter what the group is, people are still going to notice and they are still going to love it. The Spice Girls have been done every single year, yet the girls dressed up as them always get high praise for how good their costume is. Even a set of Crayola Crayons is a great group costume. CRAYONS PEOPLE, NOT THAT EXCITING.
  • My honest opinion: be something funny. Dress as something you feel comfortable telling people that you’re dressed as. For example, my sorority had a Calendar Themed crush party and my date and I went as Father’s Day. I wish I was kidding. Obviously, it was all my idea. I dressed as a child and he dressed as, well, my father. Thank you, Trey, for not abandoning me as a friend that night. My point being, I was not comfortable telling people that my date was dressed as my dad. My best costume, thus far in my life, is most definitely Ke$ha. And people thought it was funny, at least I hope, because I have an unhealthy obsession for the drunken pop star and it made the perfect costume for Halloween: Ke$ha actually is a drunk mess, so I would only living up to the costume, DUH.
Fellas, I literally am at a loss for words as to what to tell you to dress like. Y’all dress up as the STUPIDEST costumes and somehow still manage to make it work. I mean, really, a dinosaur? No. Someone at our mixer last night was dressed up as the little fat Asian boy scout from ‘Up!’. I can guarantee he went home with a girl last night. Even dressed as a small child. My only suggestion to the male species as a whole for Halloween is to be funny. Personally, I think fraternity pledges always have the best costumes. Frat-stars, take note: I am more likely to talk to some guy dressed as a speed-bump than to someone dressed as a lax bro. One of my friends last year was a priest. Not only was it offensive in the best way possible when he was ripping shots, but he proceeded to say “I bless you” to people the entire night. Nicely done, George.

All in all, Halloween is one of the best times of the year. It’s one of those holidays that even when you’re 23 years old, you just can’t help wanting to dress up and show off your costume to everyone. Hell, I’ll still be THAT GIRL that dresses up when I have a professional job…like I’ll ever have a professional job. Parting words: live it up. Don’t be the lame friend that decides to be ‘over’ Halloween. You can never be ‘too into it,’ so live a little. I mean, COME ON PEOPLE, the holiday is all about free candy. WHO DOESN’T LOVE FREE CANDY AND DRESSING HOWEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO?!

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4 thoughts on “How to Halloween

  1. I read your southern belle tumblr and thought you were such a lady. Now I read this and I think you are the typical sorority whore.

    1. Lady, how completely rude?! I do write the southern belle tumblr and am mortified at your unwarranted comments. Paige is nothing less than lovely and does not deserve the hateful comment you left.

  2. Had to look this up and see what the tweeter was talking about. (I’ve been on bed rest for 2 weeks and when even slightly interesting things happen on social networking sites IM THERE.) But anyways, cute blog, veddy nice. And about this TOTES SCANDY POST, why dont you go back to your home on Whore Island?

    That was a poor attempt at sarcasm/Anchorman quoting……… Yeah about that k byeeee

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