The Men of #TheBachelorette: An Honest Review

*Cue me rolling my eyes at myself*

Disclaimer: The fact that I watch The Bachelor/ette is truly something that I am not proud of. Before I go any further, I’d just like for everyone to know that I started watching this purely to make fun of it (and with Des’ season, it wasn’t too difficult; the damn woman cried every 5 minutes). Yes, I’d seen bits and pieces before Des’ season, but, that was the one that got me hooked. I endured the torture that was Juany-P’s season, and here we are, at Andi Dorfman’s bachelorette debut to the world.

Monday’s season premiere was nothing short of entertaining. I attempted to live-tweet it, but there were so many men that I really couldn’t keep up. Therefore, without further ado, here is my commentary on the men, in the order of which they presented themselves to Andi at the beginning of “their journey.” *cue 17th eyeroll*

Marcus- One of my Top 5 (yes I made a top 5- sue me), I’m truly having a hard time trying to come up with something bad about this one. Andi practically drooled at him when he stepped out of the limo, so I think he’ll be here a while.

Famer Chris from Iowa- FARMER CHRIS CAN STAY. He used nothing more than his farmer-appeal to woo Andi, and let’s just say that it definitely worked. More importantly, though- he’s into ‘farming magazines.’

JJ aka the #pantsapraneur- If you think I’m joking, his official bio on ABC’s site states that as his profession (although, nothing compares to Kelly Travisty’s profession of ‘Dog Lover’ from last season). Broski stepped out of the limo lookin’ like Bill Nye the Pants Guy, and he’s got the twitter bio to back his nerd-centricity (again, don’t ask why/how I find these things). The pants man will make it far, mark my words.

Marquel the cookie monster- Homeboy straight up told Andi “the love of my life is cookies” so, like, Marquel and I are one and the same. Andi oddly loved it, so he didn’t get the boot quite yet.

Tasos- Literally anything he did was irrelevant because all I can think of when I see/hear his name is tacos and now I want mexican food.

Cody- The worst human- he looks like a blonde, GTL-version of Tin-Tin, the french comic book character.

Steven- A Cali bro who was trying extremely too hard to prove that he was a Cali bro. In other unfortunate news, he was in my Top 5 and he already got the boot.

Rudie- The only thing I remember about him is him giving her a horrible craft project as soon as he stepped out of the limo and then her hugging him goodbye. #sorry

Carl- He handed her a globe as his opening line. LAME. Other than that, ZERO recollection of this man being on the show, whoops.

Jason- WHO GETS UP IN THE MORNING AND SERIOUSLY THINKS THEIR HAIR LOOKS GOOD LIKE THIS?!?! DW from Arthur, that’s who.

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Nick V- He won the first impression rose from Andi because this small child is so adorably endearing that he practically couldn’t form sentences in her presence. Also, he looks like your cousin’s best friend, doesn’t he?

Dylan- Andddd we have a Gaston in the building, folks! If you don’t get the reference, Gaston refers to the ULTIMATE douchebag- you know, the one with the greased back hair, dresses well, and thinks that he could literally get any girl he wanted to at the drop of a hat, but wouldn’t be able to spell their name if he tried. See gif below for further explanation, and now look at Dylan.

Patrick- Broski wins points for making a solid dig at Juan Pablo, but I really just can’t take him seriously because of his hair. Did he place an iron on top of it? I’m confused.

Emil aka NO NO NO- “Like anal but with an m” -direct quote.

Brett the lamp man- HE BROUGHT A LAMP FROM THE HOTEL AS A GIFT. Therefore, he wins everything. The show is over. #LampMan FTW.

Craig- He reminds me of a chipmunk, I have no idea why, and I just can’t move past it. Except for this flawless move- you do you, brotha.

Ron- Again, I really just remember loving that his name was Ron and that he was all about the free drinks and that’s about it.

Bradley AN ACTUAL OPERA SINGER- Okay, ABC, I’ve really had it up to here with the opera singers. I came around with Sharleen last season (she’s still a lot for me to handle), but this man was singing ON THE FIRST NIGHT. I’VE HAD ENOUGH. GO BACK TO THE OPERA HOUSE AND STAY THERE.

Josh B- Eh, I’ve got nothin’.

Nick S- Is balding and showed up in a golf cart, because *drumroll please* he’s a pro golfer. Yawn.

Brian aka Coach Bolton- He’s a basketball coach. Need I say more? #GOWILDCATS

Andrew- A social media marketer, so I’m obviously on board (not nearly as fantastic as Kasey from last season, who spoke in hashtags on the first night and was a perfect specimen- #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin #iwantarose).

Mike- Two blonde men with long hair and middle parts? Just….no.

Eric- I was actually quite impressed with how ABC handled Eric’s death. Classy move, and so tragic.

Josh M- Immediately opens up with “I live in Atlanta, too, so we’re practically neighbors!” Get out the restraining order, Andi.

That about rounds them all out. Oh, except for the guy who is part of the #BachelorFamily (meaning he was one of the bachelors on a previous season) who apparently camped out at the Bachelor Mansion for 7 days to attempt to join the show and vie for Andi’s affection. That definitely wasn’t staged AT ALL, amirite? That definitely wasn’t promo for the next season of Bachelor Pad. Nope, not at all.

As always, I’m mainly just here for Chris Harrison. Pop the champagne, y’all- we’re in for a real doozy of a season.

[all images courtesy of ABC, except for the Arthur one, that’s obviously from PBS- DUH]

 

#Bangerz: An Honest Review

I wrote a little sumpin’ sumpin’ on a website that is not this one. It’s about Miley’s latest album. You should read it.

 

An Ode to the PDjeep

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Writing this might be one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a while, and that is really saying something. So, here goes- Yes, the rumors are true. I am selling my beloved PDjeep.

IMG_0568Before you cry out in confusion and anger saying “but, Paige?! How could you do such a thing?!” let’s be honest- this was inevitable. I am currently living in a big city exactly 700 miles away from my where the PDjeep is currently situated. When the time eventually comes around for me to need a car in my life again, it is very likely that the PDjeep won’t be able to start, and will, instead, have dug her own grave.

So, now that you understand where I am coming from, I would like to pay homage to my relationship with my car. I wish there was something that I could compare my connection to my car to, but, sadly, there is not. We’ve been through a lot together, the PDjeep and I, and I wouldn’t trade the hours spent in my car with anything in the world.

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I can’t even believe I’m making this public.

I remember when we first began our relationship when my parents had surprised me with her shortly after I received my driver’s license. I was a brat then, and was displeased with my new car. To my parents, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that. You both know how much the PDjeep means to me now, so, thank you for bringing her into my life. I distinctly remember you giving me the vanity plates that didn’t mean the ‘Paige Dolton’ jeep, but meant the ‘Paige/Peter’ jeep. Whoops, sorry Peter. Also, yes, my car is a female. What did you expect?

341_1024562734249_28_nHigh School was a great time for me and the PDjeep. She unfortunately took the brunt of my sub-par driving skills and got a little too friendly with several stationary objects. Remember that basketball pole at Marshall? The minivan in the church parking lot? Liz’s parked car in our driveway? The mailbox? Sorry for running you into things- you deserved much better than that. The mailbox incident left you looking a little damaged for a while- I swear, you looked much better without a side mirror than with one. But we both got through it together. I wish it was only the exterior that was affected by my high school days, but, sadly, that is not the case. I’m sorry for that one time we used my car as an outdoor music festival in the school parking lot after lacrosse practice and we blew your speakers out. That was a mean thing for me to do, and I apologize.

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367_1026660506692_8451_nBut we had our good times in high school. That’s when we really connected, the PDjeep and me. It was in high school that I learned to love driving. I jumped at any opportunity to drive my friends around because not only did I love my car, but I loved driving people in it. Much to my parents’ dismay, it was always the PDjeep that was the mode of transportation for any night out, adventure, or roadtrip we might take. She made a lot of friends, that’s for sure. My high school friends understood my connection with my car. I was asked to homecoming via window paint not only on my side windows, but on my front windshield (because that’s really safe), we decorated her for so many events I can’t even begin to list them all here, she took us to the Kanye concert, and pretty much any other summer concert after that (she was a concert freak), and she took me to camp every summer. We had some good times in high school, that’s for sure.

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My first year of college was the only time that the PDjeep and I were separated. It was a rough year, but we both knew that it was necessary in order for me to get the most out of my freshman year. She gained her sorority letters, though, much to Peter’s dismay. We also weren’t together my first semester of sophomore year, but it was okay; we got through it.

399298_4086835889164_1462799449_nMy last two years of college were some great ones spent with my car. Most notably, she was used for tailgating and any roadtrip you could possibly imagine. She made it down to Panama City, FL for Fall Break, and it was then that I realized she was starting to get a little old, per the rocket ship sound she was making the entire way. She then made it to Orlando, FL for Spring Break that same year. All the while, getting me back and forth between Clemson and NoVa every now and then. She was starting to get old, and my wallet my dad’s wallet was starting to notice. I naively chose to turn a blind eye because this was my friend, my confidant; I couldn’t part with her, no way.

Senior year, she spent almost every Saturday in the parking lot of Friars right next to the speakers. She got a lot of traffic and made a lot of new friends during football season in Clemson, where she also gained some questionable memorabilia and smells. But she was there for me. She always was. Except for that time she broke down at 8 am during Finals Week on College Ave in front of Subway; that was rough.

Screen Shot 2013-08-20 at 9.18.56 PMThis last semester of senior year was probably the toughest on her. Most bizarrely, a stranger chose to sleep in the PDjeep overnight. I learned to never keep my car unlocked again after that lovely incident. She made it all the way to the University of Michigan to visit Nomas, and she didn’t like it one bit. Breaking down in the middle of Ohio was her way of saying, “listen, Paige, I am an old woman.” But throughout all of this, we were learning a lot about each other. I was forced to learn about cars, and she learned that I was stubborn as hell. After the Ohio incident, I continued pushing her limits and brought her to Savannah, GA, and then to Charleston, SC for Spring Break. She had a big of a temper tantrum in Charleston, but, by then I knew exactly how to cure her. I truly put her to the test when I attached a U-Haul to the back of her with my entire life (and some of Kate’s) in tow. That was probably the most emotional journey I had with her because I knew it would be our last. We made a great pair.

I am glad that I said my goodbyes to her when I moved up to Chicago, because I knew this day would eventually come. I truly cherish every hour I spent with the PDjeep, whether it was driving to Virginia Tech for the hundredth time, tailgating for football games and concerts, or just getting me to where I needed to go. She was a good car, and I will miss her immensely, but I know that it is time for her to make someone else happy. Love ya girl, you’ll always be in my heart.

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My significant other.